4am

These are my first thoughts to you, Mum, in over ten years…the time you’ve been gone. We did used to like a good letter, you more than I back then. Now it seems I have a little more time on my hands and a lot of thoughts in my head that I’ve been wanting to share with you. How many times I’ve looked at my phone to dial your number to just say hello or tell you I’m having a bad day or even a good day.

Given that it’s 4 am, I think you can guess, today was not a good day, but this is just a short note for now because I actually will try to get some sleep. It feels good just to write to you, or just to write full stop; it has been awhile. Even knowing that you won’t see it, somehow, it just feels good. We really do take advantage of the fact that our parents will always be there; waiting for us to cry for help or get a birthday card with ten quid in it. I always did smile when you’d send me those and then tell me to go shopping for whatever I wanted.

Love you mum. Good night for now. The site needs more work, but I just needed to be close to you right now. Will write more tomorrow…I hope.

 

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Just Sometimes….

Hi Mum,

It’s Tuesday, the 1st of May. I just needed to say these last few days/weeks have been a bit tough. Your birthday was a few weeks ago…you would have been 102 years old! Gawd, can you imagine?? Here, where I am…is a right mess. I have tried my very best mum, to not give in to other people not being very nice or helpful. I try to behave in the opposite way despite their behaviour, but sometimes, just sometimes it’s just so hard. I have been left out of dinner here four nights in the last week. The lonely feeling you get when you see everyone going off, all dressed up, laughing, having fun, driving away and you’re not even asked if you want to come along…like I’m an invisible imp here; stuck in this little apartment with my two cats, looking longingly at the levity that surrounds me but I’m not a party to. There’s nothing I can do, of course. I cannot invite myself; that was made clear on the first night when I poked my head out of my door to say have a good dinner and they didn’t even glance in my direction. I think, what could I have done to become so ugly, so despicable, so deplorable that I can be ignored, discarded, to that degree. It’s not just the dinner, it’s the lack of communication, it’s being left behind, it’s all of it. It’s bad choices, again.

It’s finally sunny today and warm, I should be out by the pool for a while enjoying the sun on my face, but instead I’m here, crying again, alone, lonely, wondering what I’ve done. I’ll never know. These people they never do tell you why they loathe you. Maybe I’m better off not knowing. Maybe I’m as low as they think I am. Maybe I need to figure out how I can be better or maybe they’re just rude, ignorant, ill-mannered twats. Whichever is the answer, I’ll never know. I haven’t felt sorry for myself in a long time. Not since the divorce. Oh yes, the divorce. We’ll get to that another day, but today, I got another email from the solicitor; it had been months, and today, of all days, on the day after another shunning, I got an email…cha ching…more money for them to answer another email to the other side. He left me, you know. No, you don’t know….that’s another day…I know he promised us all that he wouldn’t but he did and in spectacular fashion. Another day.

I think I’ll try to go out by the pool maybe for a little while, soak up the sun, give more thoughts to you and dad and my big brother that I hope to see next month. Touch wood, fingers crossed and all that.

I just needed to tell you that I’m hurting just a bit today and I miss you and I wish you could make it better, make me better. You tried. I know. I love you.

Always

Your loving daughter

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