Where Am I….A Note to Mum

So, I started writing this awhile ago but have been failing in my writing because I’ve got so much to say but not sure where to start so get a bit overwhelmed.

I’m a bit lost at the moment. My birthday is in four days and I’m away from home, family and friends; not that my birthday has much meaning at my age now but I’d rather not be in a hostile environment when I have a special day, even if I’m decide that it’s not that much of a big deal. Okay, it is a big deal and I don’t like where I am…on any level. I don’t like the people where I live; nobody seems to have any manners. You taught me to be gracious, humble, kind, warm and considerate; think of other’s feelings and don’t do anything to anyone that I wouldn’t want done to me. I thought everyone grew up with these values, but I’m seeing I was very wrong about so many things.

I’ve thought of you and dad a lot. It might be because it’s my birthday soon, or just that I’m alone here in a foreign country with the kitties as my only companions. I miss you. I miss my family. I miss being married to that guy that was the love of my life, even with all his faults. I don’t know why I loved him so much. He was not kind to me once I realised who he was and he hurt my baby. But, that’s not what’s bothering me so much right now.

I need your help. How can I rise above feeling like I’m not good enough for anything or anyone? Not just men, although yes, of course, I miss that. But I think I’m being a good person, making good decisions and then I see that when I stop paying for the dinners, or the extra lessons, I’m ignored or treated like I don’t matter. I want to matter. I want to be seen. I don’t want to be invisible. I think when I was younger there were years of wanting to be invisible. Always too pretty, too smart, too something. Then after the divorce, I became invisible to everyone. To my kids a bit, to my old friends sometimes to people I’ve met here. They walk past me as if I wasn’t even there. I don’t understand. I could be a tap dancing seal and they wouldn’t see me. I don’t like it. I feel lonely and alone. Really alone. I do try to keep busy. I play tennis four times a week; I’m looking for a new job; I’m trying to keep smiling. Dad wouldn’t want to see me not smiling. But, nothing works. I have tried my best. I’m stuck now between leaving my beautiful horse behind and not seeing and riding her regularly or taking her away from a trainer that I believe is the best one to train her to be the special horse that she is. I don’t think I can have it all. I can’t stay here; they don’t want me here; it’s so hard; feeling like you’re not liked at all; not good enough for a coffee? A cold drink? Even just a hello or good morning? What kind of people are they? Or is it actually ME? Time is running out to decide. I have to get the cats back to our country; that takes time and my car, I have to get that there and as well. And my horse…she’ll need to go, too. I think it’s the only way. It is the wrong choice but how can I continue to put myself under such pressure and made to feel like a ‘leproso’ for longer than I already have. I have just got it all wrong. Again. The same mistakes over and over. Years of therapy don’t seem to help me make the right choices. I weigh my options and look at everything and still pick the wrong door. What’s behind curtain number one? Wah, wah…it’s the cow with the bell around it’s neck….curtain number two was the new car. Why do I always choose curtain number one?

I’m going to play tennis now; at least I’m getting myself healthy after my illness. That’s one good thing that’s come from being in Purgatory. That and that I’ve learned a lot from a horseman that cares about horses. I’ll always have that.

Always

Your (ageing) daughter

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4am

These are my first thoughts to you, Mum, in over ten years…the time you’ve been gone. We did used to like a good letter, you more than I back then. Now it seems I have a little more time on my hands and a lot of thoughts in my head that I’ve been wanting to share with you. How many times I’ve looked at my phone to dial your number to just say hello or tell you I’m having a bad day or even a good day.

Given that it’s 4 am, I think you can guess, today was not a good day, but this is just a short note for now because I actually will try to get some sleep. It feels good just to write to you, or just to write full stop; it has been awhile. Even knowing that you won’t see it, somehow, it just feels good. We really do take advantage of the fact that our parents will always be there; waiting for us to cry for help or get a birthday card with ten quid in it. I always did smile when you’d send me those and then tell me to go shopping for whatever I wanted.

Love you mum. Good night for now. The site needs more work, but I just needed to be close to you right now. Will write more tomorrow…I hope.

 

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Just Sometimes….

Hi Mum,

It’s Tuesday, the 1st of May. I just needed to say these last few days/weeks have been a bit tough. Your birthday was a few weeks ago…you would have been 102 years old! Gawd, can you imagine?? Here, where I am…is a right mess. I have tried my very best mum, to not give in to other people not being very nice or helpful. I try to behave in the opposite way despite their behaviour, but sometimes, just sometimes it’s just so hard. I have been left out of dinner here four nights in the last week. The lonely feeling you get when you see everyone going off, all dressed up, laughing, having fun, driving away and you’re not even asked if you want to come along…like I’m an invisible imp here; stuck in this little apartment with my two cats, looking longingly at the levity that surrounds me but I’m not a party to. There’s nothing I can do, of course. I cannot invite myself; that was made clear on the first night when I poked my head out of my door to say have a good dinner and they didn’t even glance in my direction. I think, what could I have done to become so ugly, so despicable, so deplorable that I can be ignored, discarded, to that degree. It’s not just the dinner, it’s the lack of communication, it’s being left behind, it’s all of it. It’s bad choices, again.

It’s finally sunny today and warm, I should be out by the pool for a while enjoying the sun on my face, but instead I’m here, crying again, alone, lonely, wondering what I’ve done. I’ll never know. These people they never do tell you why they loathe you. Maybe I’m better off not knowing. Maybe I’m as low as they think I am. Maybe I need to figure out how I can be better or maybe they’re just rude, ignorant, ill-mannered twats. Whichever is the answer, I’ll never know. I haven’t felt sorry for myself in a long time. Not since the divorce. Oh yes, the divorce. We’ll get to that another day, but today, I got another email from the solicitor; it had been months, and today, of all days, on the day after another shunning, I got an email…cha ching…more money for them to answer another email to the other side. He left me, you know. No, you don’t know….that’s another day…I know he promised us all that he wouldn’t but he did and in spectacular fashion. Another day.

I think I’ll try to go out by the pool maybe for a little while, soak up the sun, give more thoughts to you and dad and my big brother that I hope to see next month. Touch wood, fingers crossed and all that.

I just needed to tell you that I’m hurting just a bit today and I miss you and I wish you could make it better, make me better. You tried. I know. I love you.

Always

Your loving daughter

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