Where Am I….A Note to Mum
So, I started writing this awhile ago but have been failing in my writing because I’ve got so much to say but not sure where to start so get a bit overwhelmed.
I’m a bit lost at the moment. My birthday is in four days and I’m away from home, family and friends; not that my birthday has much meaning at my age now but I’d rather not be in a hostile environment when I have a special day, even if I’m decide that it’s not that much of a big deal. Okay, it is a big deal and I don’t like where I am…on any level. I don’t like the people where I live; nobody seems to have any manners. You taught me to be gracious, humble, kind, warm and considerate; think of other’s feelings and don’t do anything to anyone that I wouldn’t want done to me. I thought everyone grew up with these values, but I’m seeing I was very wrong about so many things.
I’ve thought of you and dad a lot. It might be because it’s my birthday soon, or just that I’m alone here in a foreign country with the kitties as my only companions. I miss you. I miss my family. I miss being married to that guy that was the love of my life, even with all his faults. I don’t know why I loved him so much. He was not kind to me once I realised who he was and he hurt my baby. But, that’s not what’s bothering me so much right now.
I need your help. How can I rise above feeling like I’m not good enough for anything or anyone? Not just men, although yes, of course, I miss that. But I think I’m being a good person, making good decisions and then I see that when I stop paying for the dinners, or the extra lessons, I’m ignored or treated like I don’t matter. I want to matter. I want to be seen. I don’t want to be invisible. I think when I was younger there were years of wanting to be invisible. Always too pretty, too smart, too something. Then after the divorce, I became invisible to everyone. To my kids a bit, to my old friends sometimes to people I’ve met here. They walk past me as if I wasn’t even there. I don’t understand. I could be a tap dancing seal and they wouldn’t see me. I don’t like it. I feel lonely and alone. Really alone. I do try to keep busy. I play tennis four times a week; I’m looking for a new job; I’m trying to keep smiling. Dad wouldn’t want to see me not smiling. But, nothing works. I have tried my best. I’m stuck now between leaving my beautiful horse behind and not seeing and riding her regularly or taking her away from a trainer that I believe is the best one to train her to be the special horse that she is. I don’t think I can have it all. I can’t stay here; they don’t want me here; it’s so hard; feeling like you’re not liked at all; not good enough for a coffee? A cold drink? Even just a hello or good morning? What kind of people are they? Or is it actually ME? Time is running out to decide. I have to get the cats back to our country; that takes time and my car, I have to get that there and as well. And my horse…she’ll need to go, too. I think it’s the only way. It is the wrong choice but how can I continue to put myself under such pressure and made to feel like a ‘leproso’ for longer than I already have. I have just got it all wrong. Again. The same mistakes over and over. Years of therapy don’t seem to help me make the right choices. I weigh my options and look at everything and still pick the wrong door. What’s behind curtain number one? Wah, wah…it’s the cow with the bell around it’s neck….curtain number two was the new car. Why do I always choose curtain number one?
I’m going to play tennis now; at least I’m getting myself healthy after my illness. That’s one good thing that’s come from being in Purgatory. That and that I’ve learned a lot from a horseman that cares about horses. I’ll always have that.
Your (ageing) daughter
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